Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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