I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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