I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
