he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
