He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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