gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
