someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
