Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
