After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
