I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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