Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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