Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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