Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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