This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
