I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
