I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize