Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
