i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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