So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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