Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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