im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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