My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
