I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
