I smell stomach acid.
I look better un-naked...
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
