Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
