I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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