we made out on top of his cat.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
