Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
