Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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