Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
