Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
