Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
and she was petting her beer can
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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