dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
