yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
