Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
