I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
