something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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