A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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