Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
