I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
