I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She made me pour olive oil on her.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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