fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
