new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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