im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
