Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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