my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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