Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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