T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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