I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I cannot find my penis.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
FUCK WHALES
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