I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize