Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I think I died a long time ago.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
