you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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