Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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