seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
