remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
