remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
