Pappa wants mamma naked
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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