i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
