she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
