hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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