so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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